The Observer or the mind in drag

Try to read this and follow my words and the content without condemning or judging it and without saying to yourself this is right or this is wrong. Notice when you do that and just come back and listen.

Will you do this?

Observing is a central thing we do.

I observe my mind, I observe the garden and the birds, I observe and think they, this, that.

When I observe I am pointing at things that I think are separate from me. I am not talking about an abstract concept here so please bear with me for a moment.

I lay on my couch and just exchanged a few messages with my wife.

A little casual chat, nothing special. Then I put my phone down and just lay there and look out of the window.

I am watching some thoughts; oh she wants this and that, it will not be enough, no matter how much we will earn, it will always become normal and if she was only ok with what is, then we would be able to let go a little more and not have to make so much effort.

Suddenly I notice, I am the one who is thinking this. I create an image of my wife and in that she moves her mouth and says these things but I am thinking this. I am not observing anything that is separate but I am observing myself imagining a conversation with my wife.

This is not her, this is me as I am hearing this with her not present.

So it is me who is saying this. It is me who thinks there is not enough. It is my fear. It is my mind, dressing up as my wife telling me a little hypnotic story that leads me into conflict. This conflict is now my justification and rationalizes my subconscious feelings which I feel uncomfortable about.

You follow the tread I describe? I am speaking sole from the point of "me" because "me" is doing this. Your me or my me does not matter, observe your observing and you will see this.

But why am I doing this?

I see that there is greed in me, that is now very clear.

There is a shame to admit that, that has caused the projection. Why is there shame? Is there shame because I believe that I should not be greedy? I am not debating here whether we should or should not be greedy at this point. That would be another justification and comes from shame again. I may believe I should or should not be greedy, but that is still me defending myself. But the fact is which I saw, that I am greedy. So the whole debate whether or not I should become the very driving force which has my mind cover the greed up and which has greed show up in drag. It comes out in blame and envy, and bitterness. This is what keeps me from ever understanding myself, that keeps me from acknowledging the fact that I am greedy.

It keeps me from being aware of it. There is a moment in time when this spiel begins. What happens there? What starts it off that I start thinking and projecting about whether or not I have enough? It must be fear that comes before and by being unconscious to this fear I create conflict with my wife.

How would this contribute to my future, to me having enough if I create conflict with the very person next to me?

What happens in the beginning, because before that I was feeling safe, wasn't I? Can I stop with the fear? Can I acknowledge the fear? The texture of the fear and its sensation and not change anything? Because that is what I do don't I? I subtly argue with her, about what she buys and what whether this or that purchase makes sense or not. I control my environment and have to make a huge effort. Remember, the effort was one of the first things I wanted to avoid and blamed her for?

Observe this for yourself and notice how what you observe is not separate from you.